Numb
by fluffystuffer
Summary: She was numb. She wasn't angry, she wasn't sad, she was just numb. It consumed her, and it made her feel good. Read and Review... COMPLETE!
1. Fun

Yeah so this is a new story, I'm thinking maybe three chapters, we'll see. Uh, okay, so some background.. Dawn is having issues at home, and she's a pretty big junkie. This chapter is basically what's going on with Dawn now, and I know it doesnt seem like she's a junkie yet, but it'll become obvious later, I promise. So alright.

Season 6ish... Tara's moved out and Buffy still has Tara taking Dawn out on weekly "dates"...

I own the story  
Joss owns my soul

* * *

She couldn't remember how it had begun. She would try sometimes. When she was out of stuff and feeling like shit. She'd sit in her bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to pin point the exact day when life became much more than pink clothes and hot guys. She could remember though, the day when it first became a game. She used to want people to know, to care and to help her. Those days were long gone now. Now it was a game. When Buffy would send her out on those "dates" with Tara, Dawn would try to get Tara to see. She would look at Tara, to get her to see the emptiness in Dawn's eyes, to see the hurt that lived in her. Every time Dawn would even glance at Tara, the blonde would dart her eyes away as fast as she could, and would turn her head. Eventually Dawn gave up. She would go with Tara, and get an ice cream, the two would talk about movies and school and magic, and Dawn would smile, and she's laugh and she'd talk. 

It was fun.

To have this secret that Tara knew nothing about. After a while though, it got to the point where Dawn wasn't sure if the secret was worth keeping. She'd sometimes toy with the idea of telling Tara. She would get close, but then Tara would bring up the question Dawn always dreaded to hear. _How was Willow doing?_ Dawn hated that question. How could she answer it? She would try out different answers for Tara. Sometimes she'd say, "oh, she's just great", and Tara would give her a half smile and glassy eyes. Sometimes Dawn would say "well, she's doing okay, but she talks about you a lot", and Tara would actually full on cry. So Dawn got used to saying, "oh, you know" and change the subject. This answer seemed to keep Tara happy, and Dawn didn't have to go through a whole conversation about Willow.

Because truthfully, she couldn't remember who Willow was anymore. Willow was always around sure, but Dawn _wasn't_. The redhead would often sit in the kitchen and cook for hours on end, or would sit and stare blankly at the television. Dawn would sometimes pass through a room Willow was sitting in, and would smile and say hello, but this often lead to Willow talking, pleading Dawn with her eyes to spend just a couple minutes together. Dawn would take pity on her, and would agree just to make sure the tears didn't fall.

And sometimes it seemed as though it didn't matter how Dawn answered, that just one wrong word would screw over all her plans. Because all Dawn really wanted to do was to leave, and go out to find her boyfriend, and get high and just sit with him, numb but happy.

Those were the times when Dawn was truly happy. When she was numb, and she could just think. When her mind was full, but there was nothing going on up there. She often wondered what her life would be like if she didn't have these times. If she would have to face reality and not able to escape from all the shit going on in her life.

Sometimes her friends would ask her what her issues were. What she was trying to escape from with the drugs, and the drinking, and the smoking, and the sex. What could she tell them though? She used to joke around with herself, to answer when her friends asked that question.

_Well let's see, my mother died when I was little, so now all I have is my sister, and her dopey friends. My sister is never around though, she's way too busy slaying all the vampires and demons of the world. My sister's best friend Willow and her lesbian lover Tara have split up, and now the two women I was very close with are complete wrecks. Willow has trouble concentrating and Tara has moved out. The love of my life is a vampire and I'm cheating on my boyfriend with him. _

So yeah, Dawn didn't really have many options, she usually went with that her mother was dead, but her friends were getting tired of that one, so she began to make things up. Just so they wouldn't see how pathetic she really was. It was hard to see the problems her friends had, and how easy they would be to fix. But Dawn would just take a hit and would stay quiet, numb and thinking.


	2. Mess

Dawn's still having issues at home. It ain't good. Our little Dawnie is a junkie.

Season 6ish… Tara and Willow are broken up at this point. Tara and Dawn still go on dates, Willow is a wreck, and Buffy's never home. Dawn has a boyfriend but she cheats on him with Spike. Yes, Spike knows all about Dawn's drinking and stuff, but he doesn't really care and occasionally does it with her. Spike is kind of a jackass in the story. Sorry

I own the plot

Joss owns my soul

* * *

It was early morning when Dawn woke up. That surprised her, especially since she had been up until the wee hours partying with her friends. She tried to get back to sleep but the sudden pain in her head made that impossible. This was the only part Dawn hated about the whole thing. The hangover. Nevertheless Dawn knew how to deal with it, and dealing with it was half the fun. She got up and walked over the mounds of sleeping teenagers to get to the kitchen. Her headache was much worse now, but she took comfort in the fact that she could still feel pain.

At first she was confused at the kitchen. It was a total mess; there were beer caps and empty vodka bottles all over the place. There were empty little plastic baggies all over the place that once held her favorite herb. All of a sudden Dawn was hit with another burst of immense pain and she fell to the ground with a thud. When she awoke again she was face down on the cold linoleum of the kitchen floor. Dawn checked the clock and saw she had been passed out for only minutes. She stood up again, quickly reached for the closest bottle of alcohol she could get, and drank slowly. She slid down on to the floor and leaned up against the counter as she felt the familiar burn of the vodka sliding down her throat. She took another gulp but this time she held the liquid in her mouth and swallowed little by little until it was gone. She then closed her eyes and waited for the pain to go away. The next thing she knew she opened her eyes and Spike was sitting in front of her.

Dawn gasped and then smiled. "You scared the shit out of me"

"Good, what the hell do you think you're doing, you told Willow you would be at Tracey's! I've been looking all over for you!" Spike said to her.

Dawn was taken aback a little. Not at the fact that Spike seemed to care about this, he was always acting more like her parent than her lover. No, she was surprised because she thought she was at Tracey's.

"Wait, Spike, what do you mean? Where the hell am I?" she asked before she could think about how he'd react.

"What do you mean where are you?" Spike yelled, "you don't even know where you are? You're such a fucking burn out." Spike regretted the words as soon as they flew out of his mouth. Dawn looked at him with her mouth wide open.

"Get the fuck out of here" Dawn said quietly. "Now!" Spike looked at her for a second before reaching for his blanket and running out of the house.

Dawn sat up and thought hard about where she could be. She paid little attention to the fact Spike had called her a burn out, and she pushed the question of why he was there in the first place out of her mind. She tried as hard as she could to remember what had happened the day before. She remembered being in class, laughing with her friends about some girl or something. The next thing she could remember, she was at her friend's place drinking vodka and doing lines of Vicodin. As hard as she tried to remember, she just couldn't get the three or four hours from Mrs. MacDougall's class to partying at her friends. That scared her a little bit, but she cured her five seconds of panic with five sips of vodka. She finished the almost empty bottle and dropped it in the garbage.

A few minutes later she felt the familiar dizziness that came along with drinking, and she started laughing. She sat up and walked into the living room full of teenagers and looked wherever she could for a clock. She found one, and it read 2:39.

"Oh shit", Dawn muttered under her breath, she had told Buffy she'd be home around lunchtime, and she was kinda screwed. She reckoned that's why Spike had come to look for her; Buffy was probably having a panic attack. Dawn stood up but stumbled and quickly fell. She burst out laughing, but tried to muffle it as to not wake up her friends. Fortunately her friends were way too drained to even think about waking up. So she sighed, pulled herself up, adjusted her clothes and checked her hair in a nearby mirror.

Dawn walked slowly. She couldn't exactly remember where she lived and she would have to stop every few minutes to try and clear her mind. She loved the excitement and the feeling that came with being drunk, but it was too hard for her to concentrate. Dawn was starting to get frustrated, but she continued on her journey and eventually wandered onto her street. She got to a house that looked familiar and walked up the three small steps that led onto her porch. She quickly popped a piece of gum into her mouth and sprayed perfume all over her body.

"Buffy?" Dawn called timidly as she stepped into her foyer. Dawn listened for an answer but none came. She took her shoes off and hung her coat on the coat rack. Dawn stumbled into her living room and sat on the couch. She looked down at the coffee table and saw a note.

_ Dawn,_

_ I'm going to be gone for a few days. Willow's gone missing and I'm worried about her. I'm sure she's just off "finding herself" again. I've left you some money on the fridge incase you need anything. I asked Spike to drop by from time to time to make sure you're still alive. I should be home soon._

_ Love you,  
Buffy_

Dawn at first was pissed. How could Buffy just leave her a note, and no phone call or anything? Once Dawn started thinking about it though, it meant she had two or three days to do basically whatever she wanted. She wouldn't have to do any chores, and she could have a party. Dawn started jumping up and down but found it pretty difficult to continue doing it while drunk.

Dawn decided she'd sleep off her vodka and start off fresh that night. This would be the best night she ever forgot.


	3. Dirty

Season 6ish… Tara and Willow are broken up at this point. Tara and Dawn still go on dates, Willow is a wreck, and Buffy's never home. Dawn has a boyfriend but she cheats on him with Spike. Yes, Spike knows all about Dawn's drinking and stuff, but he doesn't really care and occasionally does it with her. Spike isa jackass in the story. Sorry.

Uhm.. last chapter what happened?  
Dawnie was at a party and got pretty fucked up. Yeah, she's forgetting things. Buffy's gone for a few days trying to find Willow. Spike is supposed to come by and check on Dawn every once in a while.

Some kinda NC-17 stuff here, near the end of the chapter..

So, I lied, there's going to be two more chapters probably…

**I own the plot**

**Joss owns my soul**

* * *

The music was blaring. That's how Dawn liked it though. She liked when all she could hear was the beat. The melody became kind of non-existant. All you had to concentrate on was the vibrations and that's what Dawn liked best anyways. It was even better for her when she was high. The thing was, she hadn't smoked anything. She hadn't snorted or injected anything either. She ignored it though, because the vibrations seemed to be talking to her. They danced with her, and soon colours came. She would move with the music, dip and sway, dip and sway. And she felt loved. She just felt warm and happy. She never felt like this and she allowed herself to be free and to just enjoy it. 

But Dawn woke up, as she too often did. She opened her eyes to the sunlight streaming in through her living room window. Dawn tried to swallow but there was no saliva in her mouth. She licked her lips and found deep cracks in them. She sighed and sat up slowly, her head spinning a little. Dawn looked down at her clothes and saw what looked like dried vomit down the front of them. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on anything but the smell.

So Dawn stood up and slowly walked up the stairs, it took a lot of effort. She felt drained this morning for some reason. She knew she had been drunk for almost three days straight and figured that was a good reason. She wanted to clean herself up before calling her friends though, because she hated looking less than perfect for them. So she peeled off her clothes and climbed into the shower. The hot water felt amazing on her skin as she carefully scrubbed at her hair where some vomit still rest. She had been under the water for almost forty five minutes when she heard the bathroom door open and saw the shower curtain being pulled back.

"I've been looking for you pet", a voice said as two arms reached around her stomach and pulled her into a sort of hug. Dawn smiled and rest a hand on one of the arms.  
"And this wasn't the first place you thought to look?" she asked playfully. Dawn got no answer, but she heard what sounded like clothes coming off and she felt another body getting close to her own. "What are you doing?" she asked suddenly feeling kind of exposed. They had fooled around before sure, but they'd only had sex once and it had been on the night her mother died. She hadn't been looking for Spike, let alone sex, she had been looking for love.

"Just trust me baby" Spike said in the voice he used whenever he tried to calm her down. She turned around and saw him, in all his glory. He was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bar of soap. Dawn hungrily reached for the bottle, snatching it away from Spike and taking a huge drink. "Easy now", Spike said grabbing the bottle from her and gently placing it on the toilet sink. "I really hate you when you're drunk." Dawn was already feeling the alcohol and allowed him the one little piece of criticism. Suddenly her apprehensiveness went away and Dawn saw Spike for what he truly was. He was hers. He loved her, Spike wouldn't have come up here and gotten in the shower with her if he didn't love her right?

She turned around to tell him how much she loved him, but before she got the chance to open her mouth, he moved closer and kissed her passionately. Dawn got swept up in the excitement and soon found herself in a rather compromising position. She was pressed up hard against the shower wall and Spike was slowly pushing himself in and out of her. Spike was sighing and moaning every time he went deep inside her. Dawn could feel the pulsing in her body, and she knew not only was he about to come, but she was as well. Still she hadn't really been expecting it, and she wasn't in the mood.

She didn't want to let Spike down though so she moaned with him, and said his name, concentrating on the feeling, and not the doubts in her mind. Spike suddenly came with extreme force and she felt his load fill her. She liked the feeling and soon found herself coming hard, she shook and slipped in the shower. Spike caught her and pulled her legs up and around his waist. He pushed her harder up against the shower so she was held there only by Spike himself. She thrust against him, desperately wishing for the feeling to not go away. She loved being with Spike, coming together.

He loved her. This proved he loved her. Her boyfriend was good for only one thing; he would get her free pot. She should dump Matt and date Spike. That way she could be happy. But her friends would hate her. They all loved Matt. Besides Spike was a vampire and he was like a bagillion years old.

All of that went through her head while she fucked Spike.

They fucked each other through three orgasms until the water had turned cold and they were both physically and emotionally spent. They got out of the shower and dried themselves off. Dawn went to change into some pyjamas and Spike went home.

All of a sudden though it dawned on her. Spike hadn't done that because he loved her. Suddenly she felt all dirty. Dawn stood up and peeled her clothes off again. She went back to the shower and got in again. She scrubbed hard at her body trying to get this new feeling off her. She felt so gross and unclean. Dawn realized what she had done and she broke down. She fell to her knees, the water still pouring down on her. She thought about how much she had loved Spike and how much she thought she had needed him. She was wrong though. She didn't need him for anything. He had gotten her drunk, and had taken advantage of her. She couldn't believe that had happened. Her mind was racing and she got dizzy. She felt very tired, so Dawn slowly got out of the shower again, dried herself on and changed into some real clothes.

"Hey Jules," Dawn said into the phone, "look, Buffy's going to be away for a few days, how does a party sound?"

Dawn hung up the phone once the plans had been made. She smiled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her friends would be here in just half an hour. They would bring all the drugs and alcohol she needed to forget what had happened that day. This was what friendship really was about.


	4. Sorry

Season 6ish… Tara and Willow are broken up at this point. Tara and Dawn still go on dates, Willow is a wreck, and Buffy's never home. Dawn has a boyfriend but she cheats on him with Spike. Yes, Spike knows all about Dawn's drinking and stuff, but he doesn't really care and occasionally does it with her. Spike is a jackass in the story. Sorry.

Uhm.. last chapter what happened?

Well, you should have read it. Mostly though, it was Dawn waking up, feeling like complete shit. Getting somewhat drunk, having sex with Spike. Regretting it to the full extent that she can. Now she's called her friend and a partay is in the midst.

Last chapter!

Gosh golly!

I own the plot

Joss owns my soul

Everything seemed quiet. Even though there was a party going on. The house was loud. Dawn didn't know why it seemed quiet. Why she felt so detached. Maybe it was because of what had happened earlier that day. Maybe it was just, life taking a toll on her. She wasn't sure. What she was sure of though, was that she hadn't seen Matt at all that night. She thought she had invited him, but she couldn't remember. Suddenly, she was thrown back into reality by a kiss. She slowly turned around and found she was staring at her boyfriend Matt. She smiled.

"Hey baby, I thought I'd missed you tonight"

"Nah, of course not Dawnie, no way I wouldn't have come." The exchanged a quick kiss again. "I brought you a little present." Dawn smiled. Good old Matt.

"Oh yeah, and what would that be?"

"Close your eyes and you'll find out." Dawn closed her eyes and held her hand open. This was something they did all the time. Instead of a baggie though, a pill was dropped into her palm. She gave him a questioning look, but he gave her a small smile and a "go ahead" nod.

"What is it?"

"Just try it Dawnie, you'll like it. Crazy shit." Dawn was a little hesitant though. She quickly grabbed some shooters off the table next to her and downed them. Just like with Spike, she felt her inhibitions going away.

"Here goes nothing." She dropped the pill onto her tongue and let it dissolve slowly. Before she knew it, she was seeing things she couldn't dream of. Everyone was mixing together, kinda of like a syrup. Then they quickly changed, so some of them were missing body parts. She started laughing, but quickly became paranoid. People were looking at her. Either that or they were looking at Matt. Wait, where was Matt? He was there a second ago. Soon the room started to get spinney. Yeah spinney. Dawn laughed at her words. She started saying random things because she could see her words. Y's were looking cool, all drippy and neat. As well as S' and P's. Dawn couldn't stop saying the word poppy's because it incorporated everything she liked.

"Dawn? Dawn!" All of a sudden, her thinking was interrupted by someone calling her name.

"Poppy?" Dawn replied thickly. She laughed, because she'd thought she'd said yes. This was weird. Why couldn't she see anything? Where was she?

"Dawn!" she heard the familiar voice call again. It was male, definitely male. She then realized her eyes were closed. She laughed at her own stupidity and opened her eyes. She guessed that the party was over as everyone seemed to be gone. The only people that stood around her were Matt and Spike. She wondered why she was on the floor. The last thing she remembered, she was standing up. "Dawn, do you know what year it is?" Dawn looked blankly at Spike. Of course she knew what year it was, it was… well the year didn't matter anyways. "We've got to get her to a hospital." Dawn wasn't really listening, but she did manage to make the connection between hospital, Buffy and bad.

"No, no, no." Dawn said, in more of a whining tone than she'd meant it to sound. She sat up and looked around her living room. Everyone was gone except for Matt and Spike who were kneeling beside her and her two best friends Julie and Melissa who were sitting on the couch smoking pot. "I'm fine, really I am" she said, taking more time saying the words than she meant to.

"God, you are so fucking lucky that I stopped by. Do you know that?"

"Yeah whatever Spike." Dawn stood up slowly. "Now look, I need you all to leave, I've got to get this place cleaned up, Buffy might be home soon." Dawn really couldn't care less if Buffy saw the house like it was, she just wanted everyone to leave so she could get some sleep.

"Dawn, you're eyes are all bloodshot and I think you hit your head when you…" Those were the last words Dawn remembered hearing before she passed out. Damn Spike. He always was right.

When Dawn woke again, she was in the back of an ambulance surrounded by paramedics.

"There, I think we've got her. Welcome back to us Dawn." Dawn blinked slowly, trying to comprehend what the doctor had said.

"Wh-what?" She asked, not meaning to stutter when she did.

"You passed out on us for a couple minutes there. We need you awake. Do you know what year it is?" Dawn rolled her eyes. What was with everyone asking her what year it was.

"2006"

"Good, good. Now, can you tell me what you took tonight?"

"I'm not sure really, it was given to me, by a friend."

"Okay, well sweetheart, can you tell me which friend that was?"

"Matt." Dawn answered that one proudly. She knew the answer!

"Right, okay. Oh no, no, no, no going to sleep on us honey." Dawn opened her eyes slowly. She'd always hated doctors, so many rules with them. Dawn mumbled something. Her eyes were involuntarily closing.

"We're losing her. Shit, Dawn, Dawn!" Dawn could feel her eyes rolling to the back of her head. She was in so much pain for some reason. Kind of like what she felt when she had a hangover. She did smile though when she heard the doctor swear. Guess they're not all high and mighty. "Dawn, wake up." Dawn mumbled something again, this time even she didn't know what she had said.

She could feel the pain lessening, and she was getting sleepier. She was ready to go, but she wanted to say goodbye before she did. She used all the strength she had left in her to look around the little car. She looked first to the doctor, who seemed to be satisfied that her eyes were open and moving. She then looked beside her, where she was hooked up to a machine. The heard it beeping at a semi-steady pace, but she knew in a few minutes, the beeping would grow faster and fainter. She noticed that the back door of the ambulance was open and standing there was Buffy, Spike, Willow, Xander and Tara. She smiled at them and waved a little. Willow and Tara were crying on each other's shoulders. She wasn't sure if they were happy tears or sad tears. Buffy was holding onto Xander and sobbing like there was no tomorrow. Finally though, she saw Spike. He was looking directly at her. Dawn saw no tears in his eyes, no quivering of the lip. She remembered back when Buffy had died. He was a wreck. Now, he was watching the supposed "love of his life" die right before his eyes and he couldn't shed a single tear. She couldn't stop looking at him. He mouthed to her a simple phrase _hold on_. She couldn't though. The world wasn't right for her anymore. It was her time to move on. She listened to the beeping of the machine. As she had predicted, the beeps got faster and fainter. She was ready now.

"I'm sorry" she whispered hoarsely. 'I'm sorry for everything." She continued mouthing apologies until she felt the world slip away. She was going away now, she could see her mother and live happily now. The thing that hurt though was that she knew they weren't going to bring her back. They were going to let her lie in the ground under all the dirt. She wasn't sure if she was ready for that.

That's the worst part about making a choice though. It always seems like the right one until after you make it.


End file.
